INFORMATION LEAK / Secret communication of socialist deputies about the protest is published

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IT'S HAPPENING/ Revolution in the DP! The doctor decides to open the party, as soon as the hall is ventilated!

2026-05-07 17:26:54Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
The doctor declaring the opening

TIRANA – Now the sick critics who link every evil of the Democratic Party to the Doctor, have no more mouth to speak. The event of the past few days can be called with full certainty, a transformative moment for the largest opposition party on the northern shore of the Lana. After that, the eyewitnesses who could not believe their eyes expressed their excitement, there is nothing left but for the DP to get ready to take power.

Yes, despite the Doctor's initial resistance and understandable reluctance, as previous openings had only brought chaos and produced only polyagents and hostile groups, the 123-year-old charismatic leader decided that the party should be opened.

But the decision was not easy and was made under very specific circumstances, during the last extended meeting of the party leadership.

*  

The patron learns that the meeting in question had a very important agenda.

First, the sworn enemy, the crypto-socialist of the hur and the rope, Ervin Salianji, who had managed to gather behind him some lying democrats, would be denounced. With his perverse propaganda, Salianji had convinced them that he was younger than the Doctor, and that he had more chances to lead the party, if not to victory, at least to a dignified defeat.

But no matter how hard he tried, this hardened bandit had not been able to win over more than 60-65 percent of the membership. However, the general secretary Nul Moka (also head of the intelligence department) and the party's agitprop chief - who also worked part-time at the zoo as a goat - Pim Çeka, proposed that it was appropriate for this enemy, this snake in the bosom of the DP, to be unmasked and thrown into the dustbin of history. Or geography, as the case may be.

Secondly, and most importantly, the presidency would determine the criteria that candidates for president of the DP had to meet, in order to have the healthiest possible competition, with a variety of options and proposals.

* 

The presidency was taking a final look at the criteria for the candidates for president. Nuli read them out loud once again to those present:

"So, who agrees: The candidate for president of the Democratic Party should:

1. Be named Sali

2. Keep the surname Berisha

3. To be 123 years old, may God give him the name Ishalla

4. To have a house on Liberty Street.

5. To eat the dishes of Freedom…”

At that moment a muffled voice was heard:

"One second, one second, this can't go on!"

The hall was stunned. It was the Doctor, who was coughing and asked for a glass of water. After recovering, he spoke:

"Hey, you don't feel anything at all, or is it just me? Can't you see that there is an urgent need for opening, for ventilation?"

Sall perked up and hummed: "Yes Doctor, we were just about to say it! It's not going to go this way anymore, we're heading towards the abyss. Good on you for suggesting it yourself first. You're a giant, for God's sake."

The doctor smiled and declared:

"Very well then, that's what we'll do. Nuli, open the doors and windows a little because we're out of breath. What is this stale air here that's driving us crazy? It smells strange!"...

* 

Eyewitnesses could not determine where the unbearable smell was coming from. Someone speculated that Nuli had gotten confused and mistakenly used dishwashing liquid during his last shower for Novruz.

Another blamed Pim Çeka's socks, which were from the Vietnam War reserves. A third swore that a woman's perfume somewhere in the hall smelled like fly repellent.

It is likely that all of these reasons could have been present. But this has little significance for the future of democracy and political pluralism in Albania. The main thing is that the DP had begun to open up and the decades of the Long One in power were numbered.

Note: Patrona?isti is a multi-party satirical column that is full of lies.


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