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EXCLUSIVE/ Interview with Të Gjatit in the magazine "Pika Qe S'të Biye": We will solve the crisis by widening the Fortuz Strait!

2026-03-27 18:23:24Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Gjati resolving the crisis while being interviewed

TIRANA – "Let's shorten the days of Të Gjat," shouted several hundred opposition protesters this spring day, equipped with pitchforks, scythes and building permits, not far from the offices of the Të Gjat prime minister, while our French magazine 'Le Point', which in Albanian translates as "The Point That Doesn't Fall", was conducting a wide and in-depth interview with him.

Although the protests have failed to spread, I Gjati says this is proof of Albania's democratic vitality.

"Normally, more democrats should have come out to protest. But my mistake is that I have given most of them either building permits, or government jobs, or both, so they don't come out. It's understandable: Leaving your office at the ministry at 5 pm, and at 6 to be at the protest, is somewhat difficult. When are you going to eat, when are you going to rest...", he admits his guilt generously.

In the 1990s, the casmatic prime minister of this 1.8 million-strong country - which officially has 2.4 million inhabitants, while he told our magazine that there are 2.7 - was a scoundrel in Paris and sold stolen icons, while today he is begging foreign leaders to buy his works, which he, with his long-winded humor, calls paintings.      

The Point That Doesn't Drop: Long Lord, to cut it short, in the war between the US-Israeli coalition and Iran, while most European capitals are calling for a reduction in tensions, why do you support Washington's hard line?

I Gjati: Look, for tensions to decrease, they must first be raised, otherwise there is no point. But just so you know, Jarani has attacked our computers, and we cannot tolerate this. He has even attacked our toasters, microwaves and washing machines several times. So we told Jarani's ambassador, get out of here, you idiot...

-You are talking about the theft of the civil status database of the Albanian population...

-No, they took our patronage workers because they needed them for the elections.  

-Ah, you're talking about the payroll list of all public administration and private sector employees...

-No, they took some kids to the AKSH to sell, because they had a small salary. There was also a broken husband in the middle. But what if… Do you know that we protected the Jews during the war?

-Yes, you've said it a million times in the last two years. Aren't you afraid?

-Asiheeer! We are not afraid of the Germans in 2026, even though we sheltered Jews in 1944. We are brave. That's why we joined America, that is, Donald. And not only that, but we gave our daughter, Princess Sanije, a beautiful island to put her head on, because she had been left deserted by the roads. What I am left with is that Donald has two more sons, one more intelligent than the other, but we have nothing to give them because we only had that island.  

-You have sheltered thousands of oppositionists from Jaran. Don't you fear a blow from the country you declared terrorist?

-Not at all. Then where will he find us to hit us? We've been away from home all day, working around the clock. Let's not forget that we've also sheltered thousands of Afghans. But even Afghanistan can't hit us.

-Okay, anyone who asks you to host people from different countries, do you say yes? Because you are a small country...

-We say yes, because the Albanian's house belongs to the owner and the friend. Sometimes, more rarely, it also belongs to the Albanian. That's how my father left me his legacy. Now, you will ask, where is the place for the Albanian? We have arranged that too. According to our medium-term development strategy 2025-2030, we expect another million Albanians to rent out their homes across Europe, and thus the Albanian's house will remain only for the friend. Of course, even for some of us who will stay here to manage the affairs. Because we won't all leave, right!

-Aren't you afraid that the crisis brought about by the escalation of the war with Jaran will also affect Albania?

-We have taken measures for this as well. First, whenever there is a crisis, we establish the Transparency Board – it is a transparent board, like a veil, transparent that is – which regularly calls on Çeti not to raise the price of oil and he bursts out laughing.

Secondly, we have thought of a plan: Since the problem is the Fortuz Strait, we have proposed to widen it. The company MENDER 2 has taken over. And when there is no strait, there will be no problem either.

-But with this stance, can Albania be seen as a "black sheep" among EU candidates?

-I'm very sorry that you say this, because you are also French, from the heart of Europe. There is no need to be racist even with sheep. What is the difference between a black sheep and a white one? The Helsinki map says that sheep should not be persecuted just because of the color of their wool. Here, I have all kinds of sheep in the Socialist Party, but I don't distinguish them. I have them all the same, as long as they don't get out of line. Because the sheep that gets out of line, SPAK eats it. Sometimes a deputy, Berion Draçe, is thrown up. But he is not called, because because he is short, no matter how much he jumps, he is not distinguished. 

-You participated in Donald Trump's Peace Board. Does participation in this board make Albania a US Trojan horse in Europe?

-My wife, are you still being racist? Why do Trojan horses have a soul, that you're cracking me up? They have souls too, they weren't made by cows! I told you, I don't make any distinctions, whether it's a Trojan horse, a potato from Kukës, an apple from Korça or an onion from Drishti.

Aaa, just one thing: I don't want it to be red, because a red horse has a hump! I have a red Doctor here who only throws jokes. I give him a tower, I want a hydroelectric power plant, I give him roads, I want mines. The whole thing is a mess!

-Sure. My last question is about corruption...

-Of course you would ask, that's what you came for. We are fine with corruption, we have achieved the quarterly plan by 103.3 percent, the exploitation friends are satisfied...

Listen here, these rumors of corruption are nonsense. Since the Sun came – Soleil, as you call it – it has put both shoes on one foot, then both feet in one sock. That's why you see me all the time with a beret, to avoid it. We have become a copper eye for a tender.

But if you listen to me, you've had enough of these topics, you've gathered yourself together, let me give you a point. Before you leave, have a double shot of brandy and take a walk around the Blloku, because your soul will return to the place. That's what Macron did the first time, and now you have him here every month, he comes disguised as a student, because that witch won't let him go...

Note: Patronazhisti is a satirical column specializing in the creative translation of alternative interviews.


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