CRITIC/Independent expert: The Prime Minister is lying, the government's performance is not very good, but excellent!

 Kliko këtu për të tjera
Voxpress:

NEWS OF THE WEEK/ Jaran is declared a terrorist state, Albania will send Vlora boats to the Karpuz Strait

2026-03-19 17:26:25Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Viro Pengu ready to depart for the Strait of Tarabulluz

-Albania ranks 9th in the world for cybersecurity according to the National Security Index! The happy news was given by I Gjati himself yesterday, forgetting to clarify that this index changes by the hour. That is, we were 9th the day before yesterday at 9:15, and 20th after lunch.

But Gjati, while objectively and impartially praising the government's work to strengthen cybersecurity, forgot about some other details. For example, that attacks on government digital platforms have decreased significantly, because the attackers have nothing left to take: After combing the entire civil registry of citizens of the Republic, crippling e-Albania, taking out Diella between the four streets of Shijak and hitting other government websites, now all the enemies' attacks are focused against the last two strongholds of cybersecurity: Ulsi's and Piko Meleshi's Facebook pages.

Meanwhile, businesses are failing to complete e-Albania transactions on time and are receiving fines. But AKSHI-hania says the site works for a living; it only crashes when someone tries to log in!

-Finally, the Democratic Party will hold new elections to refresh the leadership. The doctor came out in person and declared that to win against Gjati, the DP needs new people and new ideas: " Enough with the old political scum that come with the naphthalene wind and have moldered the party. The Democrats need new blood, don't you Nuli!".

"As you order, boss, " Nuli replied, " you'll have it ready in an hour."

After that, Nuli asked the DP youth forum to gather members and urgently donate fresh blood for the leadership. The patronage officer learns that with the bags that have been collected, the Doctor will extend his term at the head of the Party for another five years.

Meanwhile, in the context of internal democracy, the Doctor did not forget to ask the leadership if anyone had any objections. Unable to bear the oppressive situation any longer, the first to jump was another doctor, Alimehmet Mehmetaliu.

"I have a remark, and I don't understand why the other colleagues don't speak up. The way we're behaving, we won't come to power even in 50 years," the courageous doctor raised his voice, while the others had turned pale and kept their eyes on the floor, "why don't we close the window? Can't you see that it's blowing on the Doctor's shoulders?" 

-The director of the well-known Presi-Dent dental clinic , Barjam Beu, reacted sharply yesterday to accusations that he had behaved selectively after having served iftar at the Palace of the Guards only for journalists observing Ramadan.

"It's not true," declared Barjami, "I have journalists like the teeth in my mouth, I love them all the same. But the media that hold iftar should certainly eat first, because they have been eating nothing all day and are publishing anemic news."

Barjam further explained that he will host other exclusive dinners, as appropriate, with journalists who eat lamb for Easter, or with those who eat hash. While journalists who are vegetarians, he will let them graze in the courtyard of the Presidency.

-Immediately after the Albanian parliament declared Jaran a state that subsidizes terrorism with IPARD funds, the government announced that Albania would be the only NAT country that would assist Trump with military forces in the Karpuz Strait.

"The Albanian's home is his friend's and Ivanka's," declared I Gjati in an emotional speech, " so we cannot leave Donald in the mud, nor in the sand of the Jarabian desert. We have decided to help America as much as we can to secure the Firuz Strait. As is known, the Dordomuz Strait is vital for the kerosene trade, so Jaran has no right to block it just because a few ballistic missiles fell on it."

It is learned that Albania will send the boats of unemployed Vlora workers to the Namuz Strait, at the head of which will be former Defense Minister Viro Pengu, who turns out to have been fired specifically for this mission. As is known, Pengu has extensive maritime experience since he personally directed the stacking of banana containers at the Port of Durres.

Note: Patronazhisti is a satirical column concerned about recent events in the Strait of Topuzit


Në përputhje me standarded JTI

Video

SHIKO KANALIN NE YOUTUBE
×