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DRASTICAL/ The doctor locks the National Council with a key: You want to run away and become a director at the Socialist Party, huh?

2026-03-11 14:17:08Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Doctor with the National Council

TIRANA, SHAQUP, Rruga e Salas – For the sake of truth, it was a difficult decision. But the Doctor is convinced that it was for their good, and someday the members of the National Council will have him to thank.

He had been thinking for some time that a drastic measure had to be taken. The people of the DP had lowered their vigilance, their ranks were not as tight as before, and some gullible people were falling prey to foreign propaganda. Even Nul Moka had warned him.

"Doctor, " he had said, "our people have been secretly watching SP advertisements and films for 12 years and they think that life on the other side is a field of flowers. Some have even escaped. We need to do something, at least expel their family members from the party."

"It's okay, Nul, let them go," the Doctor had replied, "they will see with their own eyes that in the SP people are dying of hunger and they will return. We will not surrender to the Anglo-American siege. And we will not punish children for the sins of their parents, but we will convince them. Those times are gone!".

***

And the Doctor ordered the mobilization of the forums. The Women's Union, the Democratic Youth and the United Right Veterans held meetings after meetings where they denounced the degenerate life in the Socialist Party, the theft, crime and drugs, the mutual deception and the social jungle where there is not a single drop of humanity, but where man is a grasshopper to man.

Those present made pledges, promised to come every Monday in front of the prime minister's office to protest, declared that they would no longer use their cars, but would donate all the gasoline in the tank to the party, down to the last bottle...

But the escapes did not stop. Even though powerful floodlights were installed around the SHQUP and Nuli himself stood guard every night, from time to time shadows of people were spotted crossing the main boulevard and darting across in the direction of the Central Bank, towards the SP.

Nuli himself had only managed to stop a couple of them. He recognized them as being in his group-section. But they declared that they were not fleeing for political reasons, but that they had aunts or uncles on the other side: "We wouldn't run away for anything, just to get a couple of color TVs and we would return."

In the end, Nuli left them, but also ordered a tape recorder for himself.

*** 

In fact, the Doctor was right. The real socialists were really dying for bread. Those who had bars, they were destroyed. Whoever wanted any help with agriculture, the Doctor's dissidents took all the funds and built agricultural villas in Dhërmi. The state did not hire anyone for work. Competitions were held, three socialists competed and in the end one of the escapees won the job.

"We need these people, just be patient a little longer," the Tall One told them, " because they will write to their people on the other side that life is good here and the Doctor will be left alone, like an elf."

"Okay boss, you know," the contestants replied, "we have them in Germany, when a place becomes available, let us know." But not everyone fled to Germany. Some socialists escaped to the SHQUP, only to return to the SP as democrat fugitives to grab some money. 

However, I Gjati did not break the silence. He aimed for spectacular hits in the market, especially 25-35 year old Democratic women, branch managers or section secretaries, whom he would recruit, take pictures of them in the SP jersey, make them curse the gloomy and monotonous life, without perspective and without a hint of intimacy in the DP, and then appoint them as directors in some corner. But he did not mind boys either, especially those who were a little plump, with beards and optical glasses, so that they looked like they were educated.

***

The recent departure from SHQUP, that of a beautiful Durrës girl who had been appointed as public relations secretary, but who had no eye for either relations or the public, put a lid on the Doctor's patience. As soon as she passed, she spewed bile on foreign radio stations against the Doctor's regime, denounced the lack of internal democracy and fabricated the monstrous accusation that Nuli was fat.

Now the Doctor couldn't even protest his own house, and he was even forced to make an agreement to rent it for a few hours to Tiku's four boys who spend the night playing backgammon at the prime minister's office.

"This is the climax," he said to himself, "the danger is even Nuli would run away, but he's staying alone because I know they won't take him!"  

Then he decided to call the National Council.

"Come urgently," he told the advisers, " because we will discuss the victory strategy and appoint the shadow government, directors, heads of independent institutions and future mayors. It is Trump's order."

As if by magic, after this announcement, not only locals came out of nowhere and gathered, but also council members who had been in Sweden for ten years, or who had been working as waiters in Trikalla for a long time. 

The doctor ushered them into the main hall of the SHQUP, ordered his boys to lock the doors, and exploded:

"You want to escape, to go to that decadent, depraved person who lies to you with directories! But forget that he has the entire party in prison for stealing, so he will take you, you wretch, to sign in his place. But do you know that you can rot in prison for 2-3 years for five million stinking euros?"

There he realized that he had violated it, because the National Council began to boil with discussions: 3 years in prison for 5 million euros, it's worth it, it's not worth it; how much would you do, I'll do five years for two million euros, a big deal; I know a prosecutor, he'll lower it for me; can you connect me with a friend of Gjati's...

PS (actually, it should be PD) The doctor gave up. He got down from the podium, waved to his people, and quietly left the room. The councilors didn't even notice, continuing their discussion of money. He pulled out a pair of keys tied with string around his neck, closed the doors, and shouted from outside, "You'll die there, you scoundrels!"

Note: Patrona?isti is a satirical column that is doubled between 3 and 5 million euros for 2 years in prison...      


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