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STRANGE/ Report: Albanian government insists on being formed even when the country is not burning!

2026-03-06 22:46:45Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Experts searching for combs during the recent flood in Durres

TIRANA – For many, many years, the impression was created that the Albanian government grabbed the nearest comb and started combing urgently, only when Albania was burning. And not without reason. According to documents in the State Archives, historically an unusual consumption of combs was observed in 1990, 1997, 1998, but also in eras closer to our era, such as on March 15, 2008 or January 21, 2011.

As if to reinforce this myth, periodic intensifications of government combing have been recorded every summer, when fires break out in the mountains, hills, coasts, gorges, and verdant forests. For example, last summer, according to INSTAT, the closer the flames got to the cities of Delvina and Gramsh, or the more the fires in the garbage mountains of the city of Vlora revived, the more bookings increased at the most famous hairdressers and barbershops in Tirana.

But according to the latest data, the above statement turns out to be very simplified, superficial, and does not capture the entire colorful panorama of the hairdressing aesthetics of the Council of Ministers of the Republic of Albania.

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The data from a specific study on this issue were recently published in a press release from the International Center for Empirical Measurements, QIME, which Patronazhisti read with a comb in hand.

According to the impressive QIME report, it turns out that the Albanian government's combing ritual is not limited or conditioned by any burning process, be it a village, a forest, a landfill or a garbage dump. Thus, the childish myth that a minister can only be combed when such and such a village burns down falls apart.

On the contrary: The study finds that cabinet members and the prime minister are regularly combed even when Albania is flooded, robbed, roads are slippery, directors are imprisoned, or citizens' personal data is stolen for the tenth time.

Thus, during the recent floods, QIME statistics say that male ministers have changed their hairstyles on average by two, while female ministers have alternated their bangs by three shades of hair dye each. While for reasons beyond his control, the prime minister is an exception, who has appeared sometimes with a long beard, sometimes with a short one, sometimes with a middle part and sometimes combed to the side. It is worth noting that despite the floods and the high percentage of humidity in the air, the combing was done dry.

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A special shine of the mane of the members of the ruling cabinet was noticed after the mysterious disappearance of a quantity of expensive wine worth millions of euros, which SPAK had left to seize. According to QIME expert Gërshëra Berberi, the type of exclusive wine was recommended by specialists precisely for strengthening the hair roots, thus casting a shadow of suspicion that it could have been consumed with a concentrated blow by the ministers, with the help of the heads of independent institutions.

But a real epidemic of mass combing was recorded after the several-day blockage of the Elbasan-Korça axis, when the new Corridor 8 road, which was being built high on the mountainside, collapsed and merged with the old road, then both together dragged the railway line and several bridges, and merged with the Shkumbi River.

"It is clear that the old nervous tic, which linked impulsive combing with the burning of an object or terrain, is outgrown by reality. Therefore, the expression 'the village burns, the government combs', should be taken with great reservations", emphasized Ms. Berberi, tossing her hair aside, "our report proves that the Albanian government has created a chronic addiction to combing, regardless of what happens in the country".

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Given that full-time dedication to permanent hair-raising could logically leave much of the government's work lacking, the Albanian opposition has rightly been demanding the resignation of this government for a long time. All the more so since the subject most frequently touched upon by ministers turns out to be the state budget.

For this reason, for several months now, oppositionists with disheveled hair where swallows have made their nests have been organizing protest after protest.

But last time there was an incident. Some 15-year-old oppositionists from Mamurc threw gasoline bottles at the former residence of the communist dictator and set it on fire. It is unknown for what old instinct, as soon as the opposition leader saw the burning building, he declared with emotion:

"Give me a comb!" 

Note: Patrona?isti is a satirical column that is created by the will of the  


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