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DISCOVER YOUR FATE/ What 2026 holds for Patronages

2026-01-03 15:31:53Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Tiku during the filming of the movie 'Dream of a Chair'

Virgo

For 2026, forget any big spending plans you have in mind. The government has decided to reduce the paper lek to a minimum, and the prime minister, to avoid any misunderstanding, declared in a moment of sincerity:

"There is no more "paper money" like before; I myself have turned all my savings into crypto, shares of companies in the name of third and fourth parties, or into expensive bottles of wine!" 

Libra

Bella will suddenly enter your life this early this year, sending you an imperative message: "Quickly do Lot 4 because that punk broke my ass!" A second message from Bella will explain to you that we should in no way "fall for that bitch's pressure."

Finally realizing that she had sent the messages to the wrong address, Bella will try to wash, as the people say, the kadaif bowl with a festive message: "We wish you a happy end-of-year holiday with your dearest people, that is, those with the highest bid! Hang on to the cheapest ones because they don't make a single lek." 

Scorpio

Love is truly blind, but that doesn't mean that the sense of smell doesn't work. So wash the desert sometimes, because for three months now the water bill has only come with the basic payment and the RTSH tax.  

Sagittarius

Thanks to the disturbing influence of Jupiter in your sign, it is possible that around the end of February, Nul Moka will start to seem intelligent to you. If this happens, to detoxify yourself, urgently lock yourself in a dark room for two weeks, without electricity and without contact with the outside world. This means in one of the DP branch offices.  

Capricorn

Your rusty system of principles and values ??– you who get stressed and your skin gets irritated when the energy payment deadline is three days overdue – will soon take a serious blow when you read Gysi's legendary statements, like "the tender is for 2 million euros, but we will do it for 4."

But all dilemmas and doubts will disappear when you hear the prime minister's silky voice, assuring you that the AKSHI scoundrel, who gave Gysi these tenders, lived in a rented hut in Katavaros, where at night it seemed as if rats were going to enter his body...  

Aquarius

Keep your cool, don't panic! If within half an hour you find another baby that looks like yours, it's possible that your wife won't notice the difference...

Pisces

Those who know you may say that you argue in vain, that you say no to everything, that if the person you are talking to has an opinion, you choose the opposite just for the sake of arguing; your passion for being 'anti' often goes against your own interests. But no matter what they say, you don't agree at all; they are just trying to get you to agree and you are totally against these conclusions.  

ARIES

You and your two friends will be a living example of what a small group of determined young people are capable of when they set their minds to becoming corkers and then take their cars to compete to see who can get to a gas station the fastest.

Taurus

The fact that the majority of Albanian doctors have emigrated to Germany, at first filled you with anxiety that the Doctor would have fled somewhere to the Bavarian Alps or Baden-Baden. But rest assured, because even in 2026, the Doctor is still in Tirana. Unfortunately, you will see him talking to the trees, because those he once addressed have fled to… Germany. 

Gemini

How beautiful! A new love will bring back to your life the forgotten feelings of blood boiling, passion, euphoria, butterflies in your stomach... Just keep in mind that sooner or later, you will have to meet that other slave and get to know him physically. Because until now you have only communicated through messages. 

CRAB

You've always dreamed of being written about in the media, with big headlines proclaiming that you "Leave No Room for Imagination." Finally, you've reached this day, but for the wrong reasons. Because they say you're so shallow, so uneducated, so unread, and, in general, so stupid that you don't need any imagination to understand.    

LION

Tiku will insist on staying in your life this early year, relentlessly inviting you to participate in his protest in front of the prime minister's office, and possibly bring your ashtray with you. And some sandwiches. So you have to decide whether you will join his noble mission to make a sister-in-law who works in a mess in Thessaloniki an MP.

Note: I believe we understood that this horoscope column of the Patronagist is satirical; not like the real scientific horoscopes compiled by the most renowned specialists...


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