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INSTAT/ Data: 99.9% of Albanians prefer to eat behind the Prime Minister's back

2025-12-29 17:22:47Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Former German Chancellor Scholz reluctant to eat in the eyes of the prime minister

TIRANA – A year-long study by the Institute of Statistics, the data of which was recently made public, has highlighted an atypical behavior of the inhabitants of the Republic of Albania, which until now was rumored, but had never been statistically measured: Almost all Albanians do not want to eat in front of the prime minister.

The survey, conducted via SMS, phone calls, emails, WhatsApp, Viber, Instagram, Telegram, news calls, carrier pigeons, etc., has revealed that 99.9% of Albanians try to avoid chewing any food in the presence of the head of government, especially when he is watching them.

The first indications of this alarming behavior were actually made public by the Prime Minister himself, who for two or three years has been openly speaking about problematic citizens of the Republic, who try to hide their need for seasonal fruits as soon as he appears. Surprisingly, they were people close to him in the government, who were eagerly waiting for the boss to leave to throw something in their stomachs, at best, pears.

"There are some collaborators, in the government or even in the party, who are eating pears behind my back," the prime minister has complained several times, " but they forget that I will protect them."

Even today, it is unclear what he was supposed to protect them from. Political analysts claim that the prime minister issued an internal directive prohibiting eating fruit during working hours.  

However, at first it was naively believed that these were sporadic cases, that mostly came from the refinement and education of ministers, or heads of important central institutions, so as not to be seen in the eyes of the leader. But the issue was deeper.

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The phenomenon became blatant even for the prime minister himself, especially in the last year. Even at informal government lunches outside Tirana, or meetings with the grassroots, socialist officials and sympathizers would stop moving their jaws even if they had just a piece of gum in their mouths. The Kalamajs who didn't mind and continued to eat chips during meetings were slapped by their parents. Some mayors who were caught sloppy with food in their mouths almost drowned. In many cities in the country, as soon as mothers found out that the prime minister would be coming tomorrow, they would feed the family two or three rations and tell the children, "Eat now, because there will be no bread all day tomorrow!".

Meanwhile, an interesting phenomenon was observed: Only after the prime minister left, municipalities and associations hurriedly organized food fairs, traditional festivals, and local recipe exhibitions, in the hope that the boss would not return unexpectedly.

But the biggest drama, according to INSTAT data, happened with young people and the working-age population. It is learned that over 500,000 Albanians who have emigrated in recent years have stated that the main reason for leaving was " to eat like the people because we were fed up with the Long Way." 

PS In a stunning turnaround of the last two weeks, the Prime Minister has suddenly declared that some of those who have eaten behind his back are indispensable to governance, and their removal would hinder European integration, cancel flights with Canada, and block the signing of many important VKMs. This change of position does not apply to previous eaters.

Note: The Patronageist is a totally undernourished satirical column      


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