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STORY/ Tiku Politiku Regrets: Mistake, we should have started the fight only when we separated the ministries!

2025-08-26 13:57:42Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Tiku in one of his political moments

From Tiku Politiku

These last few months have been difficult. Now that I look back, I wish we had the binoculars with which we once observed Corfu with Niku Juridiku. We rushed, we quarreled and we became the world's gas... worse yet, we became like the PD's Gas in the eyes of the world.

You dear voters will say, what did Endri and I do wrong. And what did we not do, tell me. We drank and became corks, we trampled the crops of our political cooperative, Endri broke the glasses along with Aunt Sotirica's glasses. Now the team of cousins ??of our Alliance came and caught us with their hands up. In fact, Endri was the first to be beaten, because I did not raise my hands.

First, we shouldn't have expanded our closed candidate pool so much, and we shouldn't have narrowed our open candidate pool so much. As a lawyer, I should have thought about this earlier.

We included fathers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, stepmothers, wives, fiancées, fiancées' girlfriends, grandmothers' fiancés, brothers-in-law, aunts' grandsons, and nieces' great-aunts... as well as a combination of all of the above.

Wrong. We paid the price of success. If we had listed only the belly, that is, the immediate family, they would have seriously considered resigning from the mandate of the deputy in case of victory. But if the bastard of the nephew's aunt's brother-in-law realizes that he has become a deputy with a basic salary of 3300 euros, which goes up to 5 thousand euros despite the per diems, will he know about the promise that he will resign? Who gives up a salary of 5 thousand euros? 

Well, we got 60-70 thousand votes, we would have had 6-7 MPs and this summer we would have spent negotiating how many ministers we should have in the new government. Instead, we got a mangy MP, who all the bought media said was my aunt, when in fact she is my aunt's sister.

But I'm more angry that Endri should have retired elegantly. We had a long-standing friendship with that boy: I would sing songs about Endri all my life, because my mother gave him bread with buttermilk; we slept with him in the ceilingless room, he kissed us children right on the forehead.

But Endri kissed his forehead and turned the butter over.

Do you know what I regret the most? Because I swore I would not repeat the mistakes of my former master, Niku Juridiku. He also had a glorious red-black moment in the spring of 2013, when he was negotiating with Të Gjati how many safe parliamentary seats he would include in the SP list, and then how many ministers they would get in the next government. But he proved greedy and wanted to include in the list not only certified relatives, but also lovers and illegal lovers. He had no idea that Të Gjati had lovers under his nose. And today Niku Juridiku has become Nik Analitiku, who is occasionally introduced as Kreshnik Jermaniku.

If we had chosen a different scheme, we, as we speak today, would not only have made a name for ourselves with MPs, but we would be fighting like humans over which ministries belonged to Endri and which to me. This would be a clash of titans, not like our squabbles over a seat in the parliament of crime and corruption.

It would be a giant fight like the old days. I think of the headlines of the portals now: The hottest topic of the summer! Endri and Tiku set the internet on fire! Tiku and Endri leave no room for imagination!

Ehhh, that's gone now. To go viral again, I had to take a half-kilogram can of water to put out Delvina's fires. And now I pretend to correct the media outlets that sold out, that our only MP is not my aunt, but a cousin of mine, which means something completely different. And for these slanders I will not forgive you, but I will take the matter to Strasbourg! How much mud and mud are being thrown at my pure image! Because if I get angry, I break them all, with plates, with cups...

But what if. I'll think about it another time. Here, the local elections are approaching and I've thought of a revolutionary formula. I'll nominate a cousin from Canada, who has a soufflé shop in Toronto, as a candidate for the municipality of Tirana. Tirana will eat, it will be delicious...

Note: Patronazhisti is a satirical column without any jokes...


Në përputhje me standarded JTI

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