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THE WAR OF VLORA / Who is the woman who pushed Te Gjati to dissolve the Municipality of Dredhanik?

2025-07-05 15:35:07Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Ivanka and her husband Jared (right) have put the chef who made seafood pasta in the middle

VLORA, KUÇ, KALLARAT AND BOLENA – All the naive people, wherever they are, all the provincials who have no sense of life, gathered and said that I Gjati made a row with the municipality of Vlora, led by Dermal Dredhaniku, to divert attention from the fire that never stops burning in the Elbasan garbage field. In fact, we say 'field' for delicacy, because the Elbasan garbage had become a real mountain and the children of the local Roma community had started training in mountaineering.

But of course, that wasn't the reason. The garbage in Elbasan has been burning for four days, Kurum has had furnaces burning for thirty years, and Elbasan is still in trouble. Even to raise its voice against the burning of garbage, a group of specialized protesters set out from Tirana, but the locals looked at them in surprise as to what these girls and boys were making noise in the heat.

No, no. The patronage officer learns that the Tall One was shocked and started to do harm to Dermali because Ivanka complained to him.

*** 

Ivanka, Donald's girlfriend, spent a few days of vacation in Vlora and the surrounding area with her husband. She had also informed Të Gjati about this, who teased her with his charming style: " Good for Ivanka, good for you to come. With that name, you're more suited to Korça with a maid, what about in Vlora, you'd better shut up, you know ," joked Të Gjati, although it remains unclear how his English sounded with a Korça accent.

But Ivanka had become a Vlora with a flat sole in the meantime, so she returned the joke:

"What do I want in Korça, what are the hours of lamas! I will throw the lek in Vlora... Sazan and Karaburun, they are my homelands, Italy will not take them from me!"

And so it happened. The media published the few headlines from Ivanka's visit, with photos posted by the visitor herself on social networks, but how and where her vacation had been spent remained a mystery. In addition to her security guards, I Gjati had also brought in some additional reinforcements. Because he knew that at the first opportunity, some Vlonjat mistrec would stop him and ask if he had taken the exam, sister.

But despite the guards, Ivanka observed many things. When her vacation ended and the Tall One asked her how she had been, what she heard shocked her.

*** 

"I didn't have a good time," Ivanka complained, "there was a plate of pasta with seafood, 20 thousand lek, as if we were cutting money with scissors. That's good, but I think they recognized me. I asked the waiter if they made pizza for the carp, he said we can do whatever the carp wants. No, I told him, I'm not Trump's daughter, although we look alike."

Ivanka then told him that it smelled like burning garbage.

"Mooos, the wind must have brought the garbage from Elbasan," I Gjati lamented.

"No way, it was local garbage, I saw it burning. They told me they had lit it to light the street, that the lights were broken," Ivanka replied, " then the lights came on and they had used up all the water to put out the fire, leaving the residents without water. And I was wondering why all the passersby had a layer of salt on their skin. They hadn't washed themselves when they came out of the sea, brother."

Ivanka further informed him that it was not cool that the locals ate the half-cooked meat.

"I ordered a grilled meat, it was dripping with blood, I tell you. Just think, people walking around covered in salt and with bloody lips. I was terrified. I calmed them down and told them that the people of Vlorë celebrate Halloween in the spring, because they have the Mayan calendar."

*** 

Ivanka also complained about other things, such as why the people of Vlora were obsessed with other people's sisters and had neglected other family members; why it had become their reflex to boast that they "would throw foreigners into the sea like the Italians in the 1920s," etc.

The Tall One took note of everything. The next day he held his breath in Vlora. He gathered all the directors of the municipality, with Dredhanik at the head, and began to give them new orders one by one.

But when the directors heard that they had to eat the meat well-cooked and not half-raw, they firmly refused.

"This is our tradition, Mr. Prime Minister, it's also a health issue ," one of them said, "if I eat the roasted meat properly, my blood pressure drops and I end up in the hospital!"

Then the Tall One dismissed everyone...

Note: Patrona?isti is a pro-water, anti-fertilizer, summer satirical column 

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