
TIRANA – The May 11 parliamentary elections are heading towards the final counting, but in the meantime, not only the winners have been determined, but – surprisingly – also the losers. Thanks to the modest contribution of the Patronage Party, the Socialists have secured 83 parliamentary mandates, which allows them to continue their efforts to keep the promises they made to the voters in 2013.
“As we said, now our Albania 3020 project in the EU is closer to realization than ever,” declared an excited I Gjati, explaining that the year 2030 mentioned during the campaign was a minor technical slip. “I don’t know how to reward the Albanians,” he added, “ but I will think of something.”
Meanwhile, in this festive atmosphere, the Patronazhisti is listing some of the most interesting details of the last few hours.
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It is learned that, in order to repay all the right-wing leaders of the world who congratulated the socialist Të Gjati on his victory, former American president, Democrat Joe Biden, has sent a message of congratulations to the Doctor on his defeat.
“Dear Democrat Doctor, congratulations on your second place in the Albanian parliamentary elections. I can’t wait to meet you for a game of backgammon at the Officers’ House… I’m sorry, the nurse is telling me you can’t come to America. Doctor, what is it when your right leg goes numb? Who were you, again? Who am I writing to now?…”
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Police sources report that the middle finger that Nul Moka waved so elegantly in the parliament hall has gone out of control, gaining autonomous consciousness and waving independently around Nul. “You have to take this in the elections, find a hole to put it in,” Nul declared a month ago, moving his apparently favorite limb in front of the cameras. But yesterday he asked for the help of the Democrats to subdue the finger stained with election paint that, according to eyewitnesses, was resisting the god in search of a hole.
The patronage expert learns that Nuli's rebellious finger was actually the reason why democrat Baz Gardhi disappeared from circulation for several hours.
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The socialists' publicity triumph in the Fier district brought their political leader Bella Ballukja in front of the cameras, who proudly declared that although they mocked and ridiculed her, now Zegjinja will also be in Parliament.
"I won't talk about politics anymore, from now on Zegjineja will talk... " Bella started to speak, but she stopped and turned to a squinting colleague who was whispering something in her left ear, "What? SPAK also took the new director of roads as a defendant? Even the director of KESH? Oh well, let's put new directors in. Now, since you're here, are you going to become a director, brother? You have a good salary."
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The new parties did not fare badly in these elections. The call center goon, Tiku Politiku, Arlind the Marxist – even though the fraudster claims to be a social democrat – will enter deputies in the new parliament. Interesting was Tiku's statement that if the small parties, i.e. Mundësia, Shqipëria Bëhet, Lëvizja Bashkë, etc., would join forces, they would get many more deputies.
The patronage expert has information that work has already begun on a new political coalition, which will be called:
“The Opportunity for Albania to Come Together to Be Great in 3020!”
Note: Did you hear, my dear, my dear? Patronazhisti is a satirical column, where is Gazi? Oh Gazoo, come on…