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BUSINESS / ATSH rents out news sections to the Albanian telegraphic government, here's who benefits!

2025-08-21 15:00:49Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Joyful moments from renting out the health section

TIRANA – As a serious and professional window reflecting the achievements, successes, and sometimes even the successful achievements of the Albanian government, the Albanian Telegraphic Agency has also climbed a notch higher in its impartial and cold reporting of current events in the country.

The patronage learns that, contrary to what the old-fashioned name of the state news agency suggests, which one might think still operates by telegraph or carrier pigeons, telegraphers have modernized their reporting in a very short time.

Thus, ATSH has stopped torturing its journalists by sending them to crime scenes, events, conferences or meetings, which has not only increased the quality of reporting, but has also saved millions of lek in fuel, drivers and per diems. The task of cold and impartial reporting has been taken on by the government ministers themselves, whose Facebook announcements are transferred at the speed of a news call to the relevant sections of ATSH's online website.

The point is, all the news from energy and infrastructure starts with " Balluku: 53% of works on such and such road completed", and day after day, the same headline is repeated, with only the percentage figure changing slightly.

Understandably, agricultural news begins with "Denaj: " and then unprecedented developments in agriculture, agribusiness, import-export of cucumbers, generous subsidy packages for farmers, etc. are announced.

Minister Gonxha has reserved the column for culture, and somewhat for economy and innovation. For example, if archaeologists discover something old – as if they are incapable of finding new things – they do not inform the public or the media, but directly Gonxha, who then publishes the news with the title: “ Goncha: Here is what the Ministry of Culture has discovered with the help of archaeologists”.

Next comes “ Manja: ”, in justice news, “ Vengu: ” with the firefighting sector and NATO, etc. etc. But the champion of her kind remains the Minister of Health and Social Protection, whose health-related columns do not leave any gap without putting the title “ Koçiu: ”. The only variation is that sometimes the minister’s surname is placed in the middle, or at the end of the title. Thus, readers understand that everything that happens in Albanian healthcare is related to the minister. Any event that she has not reported, simply did not happen. 

Of course, the taboo breaker, the unpredictable, the rebellious artist and sportsman prime minister, and at the same time the sportsman painter and the anti-taboo painter, remains the head of the Albanian telegraphic government.

He doesn't need to reserve a specific column, say, politics. No, he plays from one genre to another, with the same agility that once switched from basketball to painting, from ping-pong to the pasta championship.

Thus, on the ATSH website you can find news like " Rama: Comb your hair amidst the beauty of the Lëpusha Alps" at a time when half of Albania is burning from fires, or "Rama: Artificial Intelligence will join us in the EU faster", when he needs to divert attention from the natural intelligence of ministers like Hulusi.   

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After this giant jump, ATSH's qualitative growth in reporting is noticeable, like dusk with evening. Of course, there is also opposition news, because like any menu, in addition to the steak, you need a little garnish, for taste. But the main thing is important: Ministers should hurry to announce achievements and successes before August ends, because in the new cabinet they may be replaced by anti-corruption applications.

Note: Unfortunately, Patronazhisti is a satirical column written with telegraphic intelligence, like in the time of Baba Qemo


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