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SCHEME REVEALED/ The real reason why foreign tourists come to Albania is the hospitals!

2026-08-16 15:36:35Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Minister Servis Pala thanking the hosiery nurses

TIRANA - A diabolical scheme that had been operating for years in Albania, and which had the unnecessary side effect of increasing the country's tourism industry, has been discovered by chance.

It was a slip of the tongue last week by Health Minister Servis Pala that accidentally revealed the sophisticated, multi-year scheme, which was then unraveled by investigative journalists.

"Foreign tourists, or rather, those we call tourists," said Minister Pala, smiling and making a quotation mark with both hands like Americans, " come from all over just to enjoy the quality of our public hospitals. Of course, the demands are so great that not everyone can reach them. Basically, a tourist who has not come to the hospital is a sad visitor who has not achieved his goal."

* 

In its early days, the scheme started without much pretension. Many years ago, those foreigners who had the great opportunity to be admitted to our hospitals, after being amazed by the service, - and of course, if they managed to get out on their feet and not horizontally - spread the good word to their people. They could not keep that experience to themselves.

And really, can we forget elements of tradition like nurses who knitted socks during work hours, street vendors who came and went through the corridors to sell sheets and towels, food distributors who with acrobatic precision threw a spoonful of soup to every patient from the door, doctors who smelled of brandy at the crack of dawn, brandy that smelled of alcohol, alcohol that smelled of iodine, iodine that smelled of socks, socks that smelled of nurses...

Word spread, then exotic articles began to be published in international media such as "QSUT, Africa's last secret", "Albanian nurses' knitted sweaters, a tradition that should not be lost ", etc.

More and more foreign visitors wanted to enjoy this experience. But foreign citizens couldn't just walk in and out of our hospitals like they were in a father's mansion. How could they?

Then the solution was found: They would disguise themselves as tourists. 

* 

Many remember how visitors from Italy, Germany, Poland, but also Albanians of the long-standing diaspora, as they disembarked in Rinas, at the land border, or from the ferries in the ports of Durrës, Librazhd and Këlcyra, talked incessantly about the wonderful Albanian beaches, mountains, archaeology and other slander, but in a low voice they gave orders to taxi drivers, "take me to see your hospital, quickly."

Those who were lucky had already booked a bed and two benches for their family members. But there were also those who, after wandering around hospital courtyards and sleeping in flowerbeds for two or three days, lost hope. Then they would pack their bags and go, dejected, to a beach hotel in Durrës, Radhimë, Dhërmi, or Saranda. Disappointed, they would call their family members: “ No, no, I wasn’t lucky this time. I’ll try again. The police didn’t suspect anything.”

Of course, the more newcomers increased, the less likely it was that their dream of being admitted, even for one night, to our hospitals would be fulfilled.

What would happen to all the others, who were not satisfied with our healthcare system, so that they would not be fed up with the mess?

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The organizers of the scheme – investigations show that short, average, and tall government officials were involved – were forced to invest in hotels, beach bars, restaurants, and sun loungers to keep visitors here.

A wise man proposed investments in healthcare, but quickly realized his mistake: If there were more hospitals, beds, doctors, nurses, etc., they would never find veteran nurses knitting socks, nor doctors smelling of juniper brandy.

"Dude, foreign visitors don't want to see nurse girls painting their nails and young doctors coming in smelling of Red Bull. They come for the tradition ," they cut it short.

In fact, to this day tourism would continue to grow as a side effect, as a cover for the main plan, if it were not for the publication of several videos of foreigners satisfied with Albanian hospitals by Minister Servis Pala.

Among them, the video of the Italian visitor Giuseppe Sfaciato stood out: "I finally realized my dream. I have been coming disguised as a tourist to Durrës, Shëngjin, Vlorë, Ksamil for ten years... The torture was worth it for this magic I experienced at the QSUT. I don't want to be a party, but Minister Pala herself came and rubbed my back with mani raki, and threw me a cup. At the end, they also gave me a pair of fur boots as a gift. You know that the Sicilian winter is wild...".

The Greek visitor Kalamaris Oktapodas also had kind words:

"I'll tell you straight. I really have a name and surname with seafood, but I've never eaten soup like the one in your hospital in my entire life! I stayed for a week and I lost ten pounds. Look how I caught the spoon when they threw it in the air from the door of my room. Bravo, fuck, bravo!"

Note: Patronazhisti is a satirical anti-hospital pre-university column


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