To grow honey honey

Entela Resuli

The few parks in the capital are full of grandparents accompanying their grandchildren.

From the hills of the Lake, you meet many grandmothers who walk their little ones in strollers, and in the squares of the palaces, it is the grandmothers who come after the little ones with their whims.

In a city like Tirana, where life is dynamic, where young parents definitely need to work to make ends meet, it is the grandmothers who come to help in raising their little ones, their son or daughter.

For many young families, if grandmothers did not exist, life would be very difficult! And for those who don't have them around, it actually is.

But at a time when mothers should enjoy their retirement age, walk more, have more free time for themselves and their relatives, this time competes with the commitment they have with grandchildren, which is tiring, despite the fact that they never complain.

"It is a pleasure for me to raise my grandson and granddaughter. It's tiring, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but when I don't have them around, you know I get more tired. When my nephew went away for a month on vacation, my house was empty, I couldn't wait for him to come back. The more I get tired, the more I want to have him by my side. It brightens my day" - tells us a grandmother who is walking her 4 and a half year old grandson in the Rinia Park.

"We also have our problems, because age has taken its toll, but I personally feel like I spend quality time with the children," she says, following behind her grandson who doesn't stop running.

In the morning, in Kodrat e Liqeni, you see more grandmothers with strollers as they go around. We made an observation by picturing a typical morning for them.

But despite this "sweet" panorama, is there anything further? Is it right for grandparents to take on more responsibility than they should for the child's upbringing?

Lediona Braho, psychologist, explains more about this relationship.

"Grandparenting" experiences are different for different people. Some people become grandparents at working age and when they are still physically, professionally and socially active. Others become grandparents when they are of retirement age and have more free time.

Despite the differences, all grandparents face new demands when their son or daughter is born. The child's parents may need help, and there are even cases when the upbringing and care of the child is largely entrusted to the grandparents. How fair is that? 

Of course, every family has its own culture and dynamics. It is up to the family members to decide which roles suit you and how much responsibility they can bear. When one becomes a grandparent, there are many things to think about, to adapt to the new role. Many grandparents want to help raise their grandchildren. However, sometimes they cannot for various reasons: health, work, distance, etc. There are cases when the two generations can conflict due to changes in mentality, which makes the role of grandparents not so easy to play without difficulties and obstacles".

But how far can we abuse the "kindness" of grandparents...

"For grandparents, I think that balancing their needs and the wishes of their children and grandchildren is a challenge in itself. Best practice is to respect boundaries. A healthy family is one where all members have their roles and responsibilities and do not replace each other. Parents are parents, grandparents are grandparents. If the latter were to replace the parents, then there would be more likelihood of conflict and disagreement. On the other hand, but more importantly, the child could be harmed because children need parents and grandparents, not just grandparents who play the role of parents. Therefore, grandparents, in order to be calm and fulfilled in their role, must keep communication open with their children, to constantly clarify roles and boundaries" - says Braho.

According to Lediona, research shows that love and closeness to grandparents is not built without strong foundations and these foundations are built on several important factors. The more present the grandparents are in the children's lives, the closer the relationship between them becomes.

However, from all the grandmothers we asked for this article, we realized that the love they give to their grandchildren is natural and, according to them, no kindergarten or school can compete.

Childhood memories are the ones that accompany you all your life. If you have good memories of her, you will surely have something to show her when you grow up. Grandparents are the ones who make us have memories, they are the ones who give us love and caress us more.

Grandparents are those who, after raising and educating their children, come to another moment where they raise and educate children's children. And of course this is not easy for them. Perhaps thanking them would not be enough.

This should be the real role of grandmothers, not raising children  

Pediatrician Lira Gjika has another opinion regarding the role of grandmothers in children's lives: "What is the role of grandmothers? To raise grandchildren? No, they have to raise their parents. The grandmother must help the young people cope and build the new routine of living.

The good grandmother continues to be a mother, for the daughter, or daughter-in-law, who has just become a mother. Encourages the new mother, that everything can and should be done for the child herself. She encourages him and assures him that he is on the right path, because this has happened to her as well. The good grandmother does not say to the young mother, "you don't know" and you can "harm" the child, since "I don't know", I will "take care of it". This way is only harmful, both for the child and for the new mother. The child will be raised by his mother, because only he knows her and only with her, the mother, can he build the kind of security and confidence for life, which makes possible a life with as little problems as possible in the future. The new mother will be overwhelmed by a sense of guilt, anger and mistrust that only harm the mother-child relationship. As a result, the precious time that the child builds those psychic and linguistic mechanisms that ensure good mental health and quality creative skills will be lost. Here lies the role of the grandmother to help and encourage the new mother to believe in herself and be active in her child's life. To encourage the father to be a part of raising his child together with his wife, the new mother. This is the duty of the grandmother, and not to pretend to raise the child".

*'Confession Room' exclusive column of Vox News.

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