"Until MURDER separates us"

2024-02-13 12:07:21Dhoma e rrëfimit SHKRUAR NGA ENTELA RESULI
MSc. Valentina Telhaj

On average, two women a month are killed by men in Albania.

The reasons are different. But apparently what men in our country cannot be taught is the belief that they have the right to do whatever they want with their women, even kill her.

They consider her property and as such she must obey him in everything.

Why should a man go to kill his wife? Why should a man give this "gift" to his children? Why do we hear about such crimes more and more often in our country?

The state must react to this scourge of society that generates violence and murder, and above all destroys entire generations, who are unable to live a normal life.

A child who saw his mother as his father kills him with a knife, cannot help but live a life without consequences, above all psychological. Because if you kill the children's mother, you have killed them too...

On this situation we are bringing a conversation with MSc. Valentina Telhaj, counseling psychologist. EMDR psychotraumatologist. Psychotherapist CBT ABA therapist &proc, Mp. Forensic Psychology.

-Valentina, what do you think when you hear a news where a man has killed his wife?

A sadness is inevitable to show what is happening in our society. Violence against women is clearly a human rights violation as well as a global problem. This is not a new phenomenon in Albania because it is rooted in patriarchal traditions and customs. Behavior is what a person does. Beliefs and behaviors are linked; social norms often influence behavior, but behaviors can also influence social norms.

- Why does a man take this extreme decision, to kill a woman? And even more so, the mother of his children?

It is a phenomenon that must be studied carefully because it has very deep roots and there are many links that reach that point. Social norms are the beliefs that people generally have about what is considered typical and appropriate in a reference group; beliefs about what other people think should be done. Social norms may or may not be based on precise beliefs about attitudes. Personal attitude is the tendency to evaluate something (a person, symbol, belief, object) with some degree of like or dislike.

-A good part say that they acted because of jealousy.. do you think?

Jealousy is one of the main causes of violence and murder between a couple according to studies, but here I am afraid that we are dealing with pathological violence, not typical jealousy. What starts as a simple suspicion transforms into an action with serious consequences such as violence and murder. Individual factors, social, cultural, immigration factors are among the primary/main factors that create such circumstances.

-Many murders have occurred in front of children, what consequences does this action have on children? They will grow up one day…

Violence against women is "any act of gender-based violence that causes or is likely to cause physical, sexual or psychological injury or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public life , as well as in private life". United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women, 1993).

TERRIBLE negative consequences, trauma that I think, no matter how much it is treated, will leave very strong traces that are inevitable in the children who will be present or will suffer all their lives. This affects their psycho-emotional/social formation and their life preparation.

-Most of the men who kill, after committing the crime, appear remorseful, what does this mean?

This shows that deep within them not only the regret, but also the pain for the loss of the person exists, situations made in cold blood and situations made in escalation of the event always lead to violence and negativity. It is a positive sign to show remorse, but there is nothing in the world to return the life of the one who took it. His repentance no longer brings him back, what comes after repentance is the most difficult period for the author, facing his black reality, the children of family members, relatives, etc...

- Do economic conditions affect communication and the life of a family and a marital relationship?

Economic conditions are and appear primary in a relationship whether marital or not. Creating a medium or high standard to live also creates conditions for the development of violence, suspicion, the development of mental illnesses and many other things.

-Valentina, many women are abused by their husbands, but they often do not have the courage to leave them, in most cases for the sake of the children. What would you advise them?

Asking for help is neither a sin nor a shame nor a weakness, asking for professional, social or even state help is the best solution that can be offered to women, not breaking up the family for the sake of the children costs a lot in relation to the couple, a lot sometimes it costs their lives but also the lives of children. Another problem is that not all of them have support from their family of origin, so they are forced to live with the hope that they will not be the next victim...

- Meanwhile, we have an increase in the number of divorces in our country, and most of them are requested by women, does this show a sign of emancipation?

It is disturbing the increase in the number of divorces in our country because the selection of a partner nowadays SOMETIMES happens as an economic reason and not FOR FEELINGS. Till death do you part or for better and for worse fall down as the existing premise.

- Is the family in crisis?

Not all families are in crisis, there are families that have withstood the currents of time and cultural climate change. The Family Code of the Republic of Albania contains a number of articles related to domestic violence against the spouse and child/children. The family is shrinking and diminishing on the one hand and, on the other hand, it has shown the tendency to break up. Family is sacred!

-Both parties, how should they manage a difficult situation between them?

Education, education, economic situation are factors that influence the management of such situations between partners. Family therapy would be a great help, not necessarily to keep the marriage, but even if they are headed for divorce, the therapy helps them go without signs of anger and aggression. It happens that the nuclear family can be the most insecure shelter for women nowadays as in the old customs the GIRL grows up to go to a foreign door.

Crime in the family has become a frightening phenomenon, and this negatively affects not only the physical, psychological, economic and social integrity of the most sensitive part of society (women, children and the elderly), but also the stability of the traditional family, since the Albanian society does not yet have the right instruments to cope with the family crisis.

-How difficult is it in a society like ours, for a woman to cope with life alone, often with children, after divorce?

It is difficult to distinguish urban realities from rural ones, or urban crime from rural crime, but when the woman is divorced, who is sometimes prejudiced or the stereotype of the inability to maintain a family is built around her. After divorce, women face many problems and obstacles. Divorce is a long, tiring, expensive process and often has serious social consequences. Divorces are expensive for the parties involved and this process also has implications for the economy. Faced with the situation that they will live alone, they become a burden to their family of origin, which, as I mentioned above, some of them do not agree with the return of the girl to the parents' door because the influence of "others' opinion" is more more important than the peace and safety of the girl. Plus, in rural areas, they are mostly low-income, thus deepening poverty. Therefore, all of these that I mentioned and many that we have not yet mentioned are factors in these crimes and tragedies.

'Confession Room' exclusive column of VoxNews.


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