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REPORT/ Very good, says ODIHR about the May elections. Very bad, adds ODIHR!

2025-10-24 18:27:43Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
Well done, shame on you, says ODIHR

TIRANA – The publication of the OSCE-ODIHR final report on the May 11 parliamentary elections in Albania has put the dots on the y's, putting to rest all speculation and futile debates about their quality.

The report clearly states that the elections were competitive and professionally conducted, so a big Bravo to the Albanian government.

The report further explains that the environment was polarized and the contestants did not enjoy equal playing conditions, but what can you expect from a black-faced government that uses the machinery of power to help its candidates? These scoundrels deserve the rope, but on the other hand the diaspora vote, a very new innovation for Albanian elections, was managed in an excellent manner, adds ODIHR. Therefore, the government deserves maximum points, specifies the report, according to which, indeed, some votes were bought, but some were also sold.

In total, the election observation mission claims that with these elections, Albania has taken 234 steps forward and 299 steps back, but these movements need to be updated with 1,500 steps left, 2,345 steps right, and about 200 leaps up.

"If we index all these figures with inflation, it turns out that Albania has performed very well, and at the same time very, very badly. So good luck and shame on you," the report emphasizes.

***

Sources for Patrona?ist claim that over the years, OSCE-ODIHR observers have closely studied the Albanian ethno-cultural heritage, which has helped them immensely in drafting their election reports. The Kukës dance, the Rrajca dance, and especially the Pogonishte dance with its elegant forward-backward steps, have historically inspired our election observers.

But be careful: The thing that is most guarded about in an ODIHR election report is an amorphous text that is neither flesh nor fish.

On the contrary, the reports have always been both meat and fish. To these electoral assortments, side dishes, salads, beer, wine and brandy should be added. But even these culinary varieties are not enough.

"All of the above are necessary for drafting a good report ," a foreign observer anonymously stated to Patrona?istin, " but everything falls apart if the orchestra is missing. A report without an orchestra is a real drama, and we proved this to our own detriment in the elections of 1996, 97, 2001, etc."

*** 

Designing delicious, nutritious reports with the right balance between carbohydrates and proteins, vitamins and antioxidants is not just an ODIHR exclusive.

Steps forward and backward, congratulations and insults, praise and curses for Albania within the same paragraph, are mostly found in the statements of the European Commission, the Venice Commission, the European Parliament, the pronouncements of EU member governments, etc.

According to the observer who declined to be identified, this too has its own secret.

"Listen. Have you noticed that after every report, we get a good night's sleep from Albania for about three or four years? Well, insert a sentence praising the government, and a little below it a harsh criticism, and each of your parties finds a bone to lick and/or to stick in the throat of their opponent, until the next elections."

"However, your brandy is good, you bastards, " added the observer, "waiter, another double. The lawyer is paying for me..."

Note: Patrona?isti is a pro-reporting, pro-European, pro-orchestra satirical column           


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