MAY 11/ The Battle Begins, Details from the Mother of All Campaigns

 TIRANA – Even before the electoral campaign for the parliamentary elections of May 11, 2025 has begun, the electoral campaign for the parliamentary elections of May 11, 2025 has already begun. That these elections - like every election that has been held in this country in the last 35 years - are crucial to the fate of those who participate in them, is shown by the most key moments that Patronazhisti has chosen to recount, as follows:

- In full accordance with Donald's political line in America, the Doctor has declared that the first day after his victory, he will erect a metal fence on the border with Italy to curb the uncontrolled flow of undocumented Italians towards Albania. He also declared that he will annex Moldova and will demand the return under Albanian sovereignty of the Butrint Canal, as a strategic point for the circulation of mullet and sea bass.

- The Tall One declared that he chose the candidates for MPs for the closed lists from among those who had insulted him on Facebook. This caught all the socialists, the administration, the MPs and the local authorities unaware, who, on the orders of the Tall One, for four years in a row, had been flattering the Prime Minister on Facebook every single day. Now they are not clear what they should do to keep their jobs if they win the elections: insult the Tall One during the campaign, or praise him?

- Lul Flokëpatllixhani began his campaign at the head of the Euro-Atlantic coalition, precisely at the worst moment, when Euro-Atlanticism is splitting into Euro and Atlanticism. To overcome the crisis, he began sending provocative video messages to Te Gjati, challenging him to cross the Atlantic.

- Tiku Politiku also entered the Albanian electoral scene strongly , who, in accordance with his sacred principles against the old politics and the nepotism that is taking our breath away, placed his father, Ferman, with the name VKM, first on the list of deputies. To some immature people who accused him of a conflict of interest, he replied: Interest of course, but where did you see the conflict? My father and I get along very well!

- The Doctor declared that as soon as he comes to power, he will impose high tariffs on San Marino and Andorra. “We are for conservative values, ” the Doctor explained, “ and if you look closely, these countries are as small as a can. Let's go to the dogs!”

- Following on from his legendary Free Health project, I Gjati promoted his new scheme yesterday, Health with Lekë. He gave the six main hospitals in the country the hospital autonomy card, with the meaningful advice, "kill yourself, cover your expenses because I won't give you a penny of the fund anymore." 

- One of the most strategic allies of the Doctor's Magnificent Albania, Selman Janiceri, left the coalition in protest after he was spotted one rainy day with a plastic bag on his head and was accused by colleagues of being a scoundrel.

"In our sacred alliance we have a sheath, it's Belua," the allies said, "so next time either put a folded newspaper on your head like a hat, or leave altogether."

Angry, Janiceri told the media that he would not vote for either the left or the right, that they were all the same. He forgot that in an emergency, he could also vote for his own party.

- For a fairer coverage of the electoral campaign, Albanian Radio-Television was formed with a new board of directors. The winner was the socialist Piko Meleshi from Korçë. As the pro-German businessman Spiro Qendro said about Sali Protopapë, Piko has no schooling, but he has something that reminds you of real men. Thus, Piko put his former advisor from Korçë at the head of the board, which has as much to do with journalism as a computer cable has with a report.

- The most dramatic episode of the announcement of the lists was the elimination of Jaran Sula from the closed lists of Doktori. Jaran (everyone in Peqin calls him Dashnor) during the last months did not leave a single piece of cloth unwashed, and he even went to Parliament without taking it with him, to show the poverty into which the country has sunk. He even set fire to the best jacket he had, right in front of the cameras. But Doktori was not convinced and left him on the open list. Out of anger, Jaran left the Democrats and agreed to run with Tiku Politiku's coalition. But Tiku also changed his mind and left him out. Now Jaran is seeking compensation for the jacket.   

Note: Patronageist is a pre-election satirical column