SCHEME / The Doctor's strategy to win the elections is revealed: To go to funerals uninvited!

2025-02-01 19:55:49Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
The doctor pretends to study the funeral booklet to the obvious embarrassment of the two prime ministers.

TIRANA/BERLIN/BARJAM CURR – With a somber complexion, appropriate clothing for the occasion, and a sad attitude, the chairman of the Democratic Party made a splash this week with his sudden presence at the head of the solemn ceremony to bid the final farewell to the Orthodox Archbishop, Anastasios.

Pushing left and right, but especially to the left, all the obstacles that came his way, such as the police, the bodyguards of the two prime ministers – Qirjakos and Edit –, the protocol officers, and after knocking down several priests who were looking at him in bewilderment from the stairs, the Doctor went and stood atop the coffin of the deceased, gazing longingly at the large crowd of simple believers and dignitaries, convinced that they had gathered for him.

Although the electoral speech he had prepared for the occasion was not delivered because the priests began singing about the archbishop's ascension to heaven – as if Saint Peter would not accept him into the heavenly kingdom without music – the Doctor's presence at this rally against the narco-dictatorship was considered an unquestionable success by the Democratic Party.

"It would have been good if the event had ended with the Tropoja Dance," said Jozi, the party's secretary for the Diaspora, "but it went well anyway, we were satisfied." 

The patronage expert has information that, in fact, this is one of the strongest points of the DP's strategy for the May 2025 electoral campaign: To take the Doctor everywhere in Europe, where there is a funeral ceremony in which even just one Albanian immigrant can be present.

"I guarantee you, " said the Doctor at a preparatory meeting of the party leadership, "that the Albanian holds sacred the ritual of the last farewell to the deceased. No sir, we cannot leave these solemn ceremonies in the hands of crime, of the Sorosian thieving lobbies. We will win the vote of the diaspora in this world and in the next!"

Thus, the members of the leadership and the Democratic deputies have been tasked with finding every case of vakie across the European continent. For his part, the Doctor has been rehearsing during these days to perform the men's gamja, according to the ancient custom of the highlands, with the help of the technologist of the kanun, the flag-bearer of Lezha and Bregu i Mat, Agron Markagjon Gjonmarkaj.

The Doctor's last trip to Berlin was about just such an occasion, sources assure us, and not at all about an ordinary gathering of emigrants. Thus, he introduced himself as a fan of spathi in the middle of the farewell ceremony of the 85-year-old German Einzwei Polizei, and began to give a speech about the unbreakable Albanian-German friendship.

"Das ist das Wunder der Freiheit" , the Doctor concluded his eulogy, repeating in German his epitaph "this is a miracle of freedom".

However, in the television broadcast by Syni TV, the letters of the general sponsor flashed across the screen, " This trip is made possible by SPAK until further notice. SPAK, travel safely and put your finger on the head."

Historically, the Doctor has specialized in using funeral ceremonies in an attempt to win elections. This electoral technique reached its peak in 1997, continued in September 1998, throughout 1999 – when he gifted his hometown, Tropoja, with hundreds of delightful funeral events – and until January 21, 2011, when the Doctor, with his professional scrupulousness, stood over the heads of the Guard soldiers to tell them which of the protesters to shoot: “Don’t shoot the one who runs, son, shoot the other one, who is standing with his hands in his pockets. Aaa bravo!”

In the meantime, he successfully passed on this beautiful tradition to his children. Following in his father's footsteps, the son managed to create at least 26 reasons to gather on March 15, 2008 in Gërdec (they say there are even more). And the electoral effect was immediate, because a year later, the village in question - those who remained alive - voted 90 percent for the DP in the parliamentary elections.

Of course, sometimes there are failures. A few days ago, the Doctor was dressed appropriately, with a tie, suit, black socks, and a white shirt, because he was informed that Luli had had an accident.

While he was practicing in front of the mirror for the occasional speech, "Luli, this tribune of freedom, this torch of democracy..." etc., he was informed that the torch was safe and sound and that it was all a false alarm.

"Well, black point, " the Doctor grumbled, "no one here has any mind to work. If you're going to finish something, do it well - do it yourself!"

Note: Patronage is usually a not-so-grim satirical column

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