AMAZING / The Albanian government increases the vital maximum!

2025-01-24 17:24:00Patronazhisti SHKRUAR NGA REDAKSIA VOX
The Albanian Prime Minister at a moment of governance

TIRANA – In a move that has even made the cabinet ministers themselves - with the tall Prime Minister at the helm - clap their hands and say, "How could we not have thought of this before?", the Council of Ministers of the Republic of Albania decided to increase the living wage.

It must be said that the decision is historic, as it is the first of its kind in the world for any government, here in the last 5,000 years, when humanity has information about different forms of social organization.

The patronage expert learns that the ingenious mechanism that was set in motion began with the fact that the Long government, like its predecessors, failed to determine the minimum living wage; in other words, the amount of money an Albanian needs to survive modestly in a month, without being forced to beg.

Over the years, ministers have tried, whether over dinners at Nusret's restaurant in Dubai or over thousand-euro steaks in European capitals, to come up with an accurate figure for the living wage, to finally make it official.

Thus, a minister once asked his cleaning lady what a normal living wage should be, but she replied, "Oh, cuckoo, let me check the exhaust pipe, it's blocked, and I'll give you my money back."

Another minister decided to ask his driver, but he told him that without selling all the apartments in the building he was building, he couldn't do the math.

In the end, even the Tall One gave up.

"Ehuhaaa," he blurted out in a meeting, "we're going to increase the minimum wage, we're going to decrease the maximum wage, I'm tired of these idiotic phrases!"

Then Bella Ballukes had an idea: "I found it, boss! We're not going to do either one or the other. We're going to increase the vital maximum!"

The Tall One gave him a penetrating look: "Speak clearly, or I'll take you back to Albkontrolli."

Ballukja replied with a smile: "We will do as the Bible says: He who has, let him have more!"

***

The plan was put into effect. Increasing the subsistence minimum would mean that a full 0.01 percent of Albanians who were living on 2 million euros a month would jump to the level of 3-4 million euros. For this, the government consulted with strategic investors, tactical traffickers, and nostalgic former pickpockets turned chronic scum. Most of them had companies whose names ended with Construction, Holding, Group, or Shpk. They agreed that Albania should urgently adopt the subsistence maximum, but the figure should be updated year after year.

"Yes, that's right," Bella Ballukja told them, "because let's not forget that this is also a European requirement. We need to align ourselves with the Acquis Communautaire."

The strategists pretended to understand the foreign talk and nodded in agreement: "That's right, we wanted to go out here too."

After this meeting, in recent days the government approved the disbursement of around one billion euros in arrears from December, for companies that will start major projects next year. Or the year after.

***

After the news of the increase in the maximum vital capacity, the Patronazhisti held a Vox pop (in Albanian, a mind was taken) with some ordinary people.

Pensioner Lame Kurrizi was of the opinion that the government is working. " They have done very well. Finally, let's see a bright day, let them open the bag for us poor people too."

Hospital orderly Manushaqe Bastuni declared: "What can I say, the desert. We've been hearing for so many years, the minimum, the minimum. Thank goodness, we finally moved to the maximum like all of Europe."

While professional protester Pjetër Mustakuqi was blunt: " Sali Berishaaa!"

Note: Patronageist is a minimalist satirical column   

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