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10 ordinances for deputies and future ministers

2024-09-10 19:49:22Pikëpamje SHKRUAR NGA LUTFI DERVISHI
Lutfi Dervishi

Nine months before the elections, it is clear to everyone that the old politics must be put aside. Time does not come after people, people go after time.

The days when knowledge, experience, expertise or any connection however small with reality had any weight on the way to becoming a deputy, are gone once and for all.

The future is here, dressed in filters, hashtags and fake addresses.

1- Worship the Algorithm

Forget the rules, the code, the law, the constitution, even the voters themselves.

The only thing that can make you successful is understanding how algorithms "work".

How are "stories" on Instagram, reels on Facebook, dances on TikTok? You have to follow the algorithm!

If the video of giving water to a cat with the tail of a spoon goes viral, then I quit everything else and deal with cats.

2- Six Photos on Instagram... every day

The minimum dose of political engagement is six photos a day. Yes, six.

Be it a staged meeting with farmers in Lushnja that you have never met, or a "spontaneous" photo holding a shovel by the tail. Appearance is everything.

You can also publish a picture of yourself looking pensive while reading a book. Take care that the book does not come out upside down.

3- Four quotes/tips in X

Ideally, they should be motivational statements that seem profound but do not have any meaning or ambiguity. Something like #onlybefore #muchwedomuchweak #manjerezitpërërëzit #ediramasyshqiponjë

4- Five posts on Facebook

Facebook is where the older generations gather, but don't forget they are the most regular voters. So at least five posts are needed: One should include a vaguely nostalgic statement like, "remember the cliffhanger we were in a decade ago?" The second post should be a health tip with the hashtag #shendetesifalas. The third? A family photo that shows you are still one with the people. The fourth photo: an inspection at the construction site #alhgiapondryshon and the fifth photo: a casual view with #vacation

5- Four performances on TikTok

Politics is no longer a debate; now it's also a dance. The message: people don't care. It takes at least four TikTok videos showing off your rhythmic skills to prove you're in touch with youth and old age. Whether it's a dance challenge or dubbing a famous political speech, people need to see your dedication to the art.

6- Three backup addresses

Every MP should have at least three emergency shelters in case something happens. These addresses are used to initiate praise of your posts or lightning replies to any criticizing lightning

7- Debate with commentators

Forget formal debates, media debates or real political platforms. Your value as a deputy will not be judged by how often you appear on television debate panels, but by how wisely you respond to commentators on social networks.

8- Clean LinkedIn

Remember, your public image is as clean as freshly fallen snow, so any history of any form of employment or scandal must be completely erased. LinkedIn is for "connections", not honesty. Job titles should include “Visionary,” “Policy Guru,” and “Strategic Thought Leader,” “Influencer”

9- Photoshop and filters, your best friends

It's 2024, and no one expects authenticity. Photoshop every glitch, every background, and, when necessary, even all the political rallies. No people came to the meeting? No problem—add a few extra smileys, or write that you met the structures this time. Use filters duty free. It doesn't matter if you look 10 or 25 years younger.

10- Never apologize

The golden rule: never apologize for anything. If you get caught in a scandal, refer to ordinance 6 and disappear for a few weeks. When you get back, post a vague quote on X and a sunset photo on Instagram. Wait for the algorithm to forgive you.

Do not forget that becoming a deputy is not about leadership, but about performance in social networks.

Follow these ten steps, and one day you too will be ignoring the people and posts with hashtags and filters will be sent to Parliament.


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